ARIES: Don’t leave the house if you want to live.

TAURUS: You are going to meet someone who seems like a perfect fit for you romantically if only you didn’t hate each other so deeply. Sucks for you.

GEMINI: That thing on your cheek is cancer. Unless there isn’t a thing on your cheek. If that’s the case, never mind.

CANCER: That thing on your cheek is, ironically, not cancer. You shouldn’t worry about it. Or anything, for that matter. There’s nothing you can do about that brain aneurism now that it’s on it’s way, anyway.

LEO: Your low amounts of testosterone or estrogen are the reason for your thick facial hair/erectile dysfunction, but not in that order, necessarily. The only cure is the murderous sacrifice of a true innocent. Good luck finding one in your current state.

VIRGO: Your mother saw you when you did that.

LIBRA: Don’t you ever get sick of yourself with that shit you’re always talking? Try keeping your damn mouth shut for a change, would you? Please?

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY: Your boss, best friend, lover, and/or roommate have been plotting to either murder you or throw a surprise party for you. Details are unclear at this time. Prepare for either eventuality.

SCORPIO: It’s people like you that are the reason we can’t have nice things.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re actually dead already, your body just hasn’t figured it out, yet. Your soul is either chilling in Heaven or frying in Hell, depending on how long you held that telemarketing job. If you were working as a drug representative peddling to doctor’s offices at any time, never mind, it’s definitely Hell.

CAPRICORN:  I don’t even want to tell you about it. Just forget it, think about something else.

AQUARIUS: Scientists will be studying your skeletal remains for decades.

PISCES: Yes, congratulations, you got away with it. Can I go now?