ARIES: I see that you found this website by searching Google for “Why is Bob Costas’ eyeball fucked up?” The answer is that he has pink eye. You’re welcome.
TAURUS: If you’re ever going to impress a stone fox like Lindsey Vonn, you’re going to have to learn some skills. I’m talking bow hunting, snow boarding, cross country running, horse riding, javelin toss, something. Women like Lolo Jones aren’t into dudes that just sit around. That goes double if you’re more into Shaun White. He’s harder to impress than it seems.
GEMINI: Your attitude lately has been Shani Davis like, but you need to slow down before you hit Bode Miller levels.
CANCER: You were destined to be a luge champion and fate kept trying to nudge you in that direction, but you blew blew it. Your heart should burn with jealousy when you watch the luge winners, because they should’ve been you.
LEO: You’ll be having more sex this month than they get in the Olympic Village. just kidding. They’ll be having all the sex.
VIRGO: If you find yourself cornered or trapped, just bust through the wall like bobsledder Johnny Quinn did when he was locked in his crappy hotel room bathroom.
LIBRA: You’re way more into the summer games, and that’s cool.
SCORPIO: Reposting popular things you had nothing to do with is really getting you a lot more hits, as well as all the nudie pics. You’ll soon be sleeping on a mattress full of money when you get that advertising happening on your site. But nobody is reading your fiction. It’s like, 4 entire paragraphs at a time, dude.
SAGITTARIUS: You should just be stoked to be here, brah. It’s so random.
CAPRICORN: Inside of you is a figure skater that never got the training to truly come alive, but even if you can’t live your dream, you should dress like it’s a reality. Get some sparkly costumes and wear them around town.
AQUARIUS: You consume more calories than a speed skater, but the thing is, you are not a speed skater.
PISCES: You will never win a gold, bronze, or silver medal. But neither will Lolo Jones, so big deal.
ARIES: It’s not too late to stop smoking.
TAURUS: It’s too late to stop smoking.
GEMINI: You will meet the love of your life this year, but only if you lose 10 pounds.
CANCER: You right now have in your home all of the bologna you’re ever going to eat for the rest of your life. Take that information however you like.
LEO: Your karma is completely totaled. There’s no coming back now, or ever. Embrace the darkness.
VIRGO: Man, you totally blew it in 2013. Stay in bed all year this year, just sit it out.
LIBRA: Stop doing that thing you keep doing and you’ll have a good year. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t make me call you out.
SCORPIO: It’s time to start attracting more hits to your blog (and it is a “blog” and not a “website,” you pretentious-ass) by adding gratuitous and irrelevant photos of nearly nude girls, top (insert number here) lists, current buzzwords, and reposting popular things you had nothing to do with. Nobody is reading your fiction. It’s like, 4 entire paragraphs at a time, dude.
SAGITTARIUS: Your life is pretty good if you disregard all the parts about it that are extremely painful and humiliating. Look on the bright side: you have lovely pinkies.
CAPRICORN: I don’t even want to tell you about it. Just forget it, think about something else.
AQUARIUS: Your teeth aren’t nearly white enough for that face you keep making. It’s not cute anymore. Find a new favorite thing.
PISCES: 2014 will be the the most prosperous year of your life if you don’t count 2096.