Polar Nexus Horoscopes For 2014: Top 12 Reasons You’re Doing Life Wrong


ARIES: It’s not too late to stop smoking.

TAURUS: It’s too late to stop smoking.

GEMINI: You will meet the love of your life this year, but only if you lose 10 pounds.

CANCER: You right now have in your home all of the bologna you’re ever going to eat for the rest of your life. Take that information however you like.

LEO: Your karma is completely totaled. There’s no coming back now, or ever. Embrace the darkness.

VIRGO:  Man, you totally blew it in 2013. Stay in bed all year this year, just sit it out.

LIBRA: Stop doing that thing you keep doing and you’ll have a good year. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t make me call you out.

SCORPIO: It’s time to start attracting more hits to your blog (and it is a “blog” and not a “website,” you pretentious-ass) by adding gratuitous and irrelevant photos of nearly nude girls, top (insert number here) lists, current buzzwords, and reposting popular things you had nothing to do with. Nobody is reading your fiction. It’s like, 4 entire paragraphs at a time, dude.

SAGITTARIUS: Your life is pretty good if you disregard all the parts about it that are extremely painful and humiliating. Look on the bright side: you have lovely pinkies.

CAPRICORN:  I don’t even want to tell you about it. Just forget it, think about something else.

AQUARIUS: Your teeth aren’t nearly white enough for that face you keep making. It’s not cute anymore. Find a new favorite thing.

PISCES: 2014 will be the the most prosperous year of your life if you don’t count 2096.


Spooky Horoscopes

ARIES: Don’t leave the house if you want to live.

TAURUS: You are going to meet someone who seems like a perfect fit for you romantically if only you didn’t hate each other so deeply. Sucks for you.

GEMINI: That thing on your cheek is cancer. Unless there isn’t a thing on your cheek. If that’s the case, never mind.

CANCER: That thing on your cheek is, ironically, not cancer. You shouldn’t worry about it. Or anything, for that matter. There’s nothing you can do about that brain aneurism now that it’s on it’s way, anyway.

LEO: Your low amounts of testosterone or estrogen are the reason for your thick facial hair/erectile dysfunction, but not in that order, necessarily. The only cure is the murderous sacrifice of a true innocent. Good luck finding one in your current state.

VIRGO: Your mother saw you when you did that.

LIBRA: Don’t you ever get sick of yourself with that shit you’re always talking? Try keeping your damn mouth shut for a change, would you? Please?

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY: Your boss, best friend, lover, and/or roommate have been plotting to either murder you or throw a surprise party for you. Details are unclear at this time. Prepare for either eventuality.

SCORPIO: It’s people like you that are the reason we can’t have nice things.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re actually dead already, your body just hasn’t figured it out, yet. Your soul is either chilling in Heaven or frying in Hell, depending on how long you held that telemarketing job. If you were working as a drug representative peddling to doctor’s offices at any time, never mind, it’s definitely Hell.

CAPRICORN:  I don’t even want to tell you about it. Just forget it, think about something else.

AQUARIUS: Scientists will be studying your skeletal remains for decades.

PISCES: Yes, congratulations, you got away with it. Can I go now?