ARIES: I see that you found this website by searching Google for “Why is Bob Costas’ eyeball fucked up?” The answer is that he has pink eye. You’re welcome.
TAURUS: If you’re ever going to impress a stone fox like Lindsey Vonn, you’re going to have to learn some skills. I’m talking bow hunting, snow boarding, cross country running, horse riding, javelin toss, something. Women like Lolo Jones aren’t into dudes that just sit around. That goes double if you’re more into Shaun White. He’s harder to impress than it seems.
GEMINI: Your attitude lately has been Shani Davis like, but you need to slow down before you hit Bode Miller levels.
CANCER: You were destined to be a luge champion and fate kept trying to nudge you in that direction, but you blew blew it. Your heart should burn with jealousy when you watch the luge winners, because they should’ve been you.
LEO: You’ll be having more sex this month than they get in the Olympic Village. just kidding. They’ll be having all the sex.
VIRGO: If you find yourself cornered or trapped, just bust through the wall like bobsledder Johnny Quinn did when he was locked in his crappy hotel room bathroom.
LIBRA: You’re way more into the summer games, and that’s cool.
SCORPIO: Reposting popular things you had nothing to do with is really getting you a lot more hits, as well as all the nudie pics. You’ll soon be sleeping on a mattress full of money when you get that advertising happening on your site. But nobody is reading your fiction. It’s like, 4 entire paragraphs at a time, dude.
SAGITTARIUS: You should just be stoked to be here, brah. It’s so random.
CAPRICORN: Inside of you is a figure skater that never got the training to truly come alive, but even if you can’t live your dream, you should dress like it’s a reality. Get some sparkly costumes and wear them around town.
AQUARIUS: You consume more calories than a speed skater, but the thing is, you are not a speed skater.
PISCES: You will never win a gold, bronze, or silver medal. But neither will Lolo Jones, so big deal.