ARIES: It’s not too late to stop smoking.

TAURUS: It’s too late to stop smoking.

GEMINI: You will meet the love of your life this year, but only if you lose 10 pounds.

CANCER: You right now have in your home all of the bologna you’re ever going to eat for the rest of your life. Take that information however you like.

LEO: Your karma is completely totaled. There’s no coming back now, or ever. Embrace the darkness.

VIRGO:  Man, you totally blew it in 2013. Stay in bed all year this year, just sit it out.

LIBRA: Stop doing that thing you keep doing and you’ll have a good year. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t make me call you out.

SCORPIO: It’s time to start attracting more hits to your blog (and it is a “blog” and not a “website,” you pretentious-ass) by adding gratuitous and irrelevant photos of nearly nude girls, top (insert number here) lists, current buzzwords, and reposting popular things you had nothing to do with. Nobody is reading your fiction. It’s like, 4 entire paragraphs at a time, dude.

SAGITTARIUS: Your life is pretty good if you disregard all the parts about it that are extremely painful and humiliating. Look on the bright side: you have lovely pinkies.

CAPRICORN:  I don’t even want to tell you about it. Just forget it, think about something else.

AQUARIUS: Your teeth aren’t nearly white enough for that face you keep making. It’s not cute anymore. Find a new favorite thing.

PISCES: 2014 will be the the most prosperous year of your life if you don’t count 2096.