Olympics

Winter Games 2014: Throwback Thursday, Figure Skating Carnage

Hey internet, it’s Throwback Thursday!

Speed skater Shani Davis in 2006, and what I had to say about him:

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>I need someone to go get me some more cigarettes and girlie magazines while I concentrate.

Q: You know what “not a team player” usually means?

A: It means that you’re better at something than a bunch of clowns who want to tie you in and hold you back.

That’s what it means, suckers.Shani Davis doesn’t need to be part of some damn “group skate competition.” How the hell can skate racing be a team sport? That’s >REDACTED<. This fast ass dude is supposed to go out and risk falling and busting his ass or getting all cut up on some idiot’s skates so that this gang of pie faced crackers can drag their sorry asses and still not win a gold medal, when he could just save his wind and whup the shit out of all these slow ass punk ass no skate having countries out here? and then somebody is going to cry and say that he’s being “UnAmerican?” Since when was being American about letting yourself be held back by losers so you can all lose? The whole spirit of the Country is based on saying “No, you know what, maybe you should WORK HARDER and CATCH UP so that MAYBE if you TRY HARD enough, one day you MIGHT be as GOOD as I AM, you chicken hearted bastards, you stupid candyass nobodies.” That’s what I’m talking about!

USA!
USA!
USA!

Shani Davis won the 1000 meter dash! Suck on that, pissants! Slow cracker ass wieners! I can’t do anything for 1000 meters. What is that, like 700 miles?<

Shani Davis made 8th place and went home with no medals this year, and I take antipsyhcotics now so that I’m not quite so much of an asshole.

Speaking of assholes- Bode Miller, 2006:

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Here’s how he struck me back then:

>Bode Miller SUCKS! Comin’ on TV, telling me I’m fat. Yeah, well maybe-but you and I have one thing in common “Bode”: Neither one of us are Olympic Medal Winning Athletes. I know what YOU are saying, too. you’re saying “You’re no athlete, Rocko! Ha!” Yes I am.

Yes I am.

I can play dodgeball better than anybody.

Up your nose with a rubber hose and upside your ass with a can of gas.

Don’t try to touch me!

And who the hell is named “Bode?”

Man, I am so angry right now.<

This year, as well as that year, Bode Miller  won no medals.

Let’s talk about ice dance:

>You know, I’ve had women pretty steamed at me before, but I hope I never know the level of rage that must be directed at you when you drop an Italian woman on her ass at the Olympics during the ice dance competition. This chick is so mad at this dude right now in the finals that I think she’s actually melting the ice. I actually did Swing damncing a few times (shutthefuckup) and I was always extremely worried that I was going to maim a woman. That’s the kind of thing that’s just hard to explain.

“Hey, how did XXXXX get a black eye?”

“Oh, I threw her up in the air and she landed on her face because it turns out she’s too heavy to catch with one arm.”

Put that in the book of conversations I don’t want to ever have.<

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I don’t know who I was talking about, so that’s just a random picture.  Here’s a few more.

Hughes takes spill

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Czech pair Olga Prokuronova and Karel St

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah. Throwback Thursday.

>The press is giving the positive focus to the wrong guys entirely in this. “Bode,” and then Dan Jansen can’t seem to keep from falling down. Apollo James Almos or whatever is a pretty boy who would clearly slit anyone’s throat to get ahead, which is why he got knocked out of ice roller derby or whatever that was instead of getting Silver; he just had to try to cut that dude out in front. These WASPy dickheads who act ungraciously all through the thing and then fail, and are bad losers. Embarrassing. I say to Hell with them. The right guys are winning the Gold for America. I hope after this is over and the decor gets stacked up it’s Shani Davis, Shaun White, and Brad Trinkle that history remembers.

It might not look too good for Brad Trinkle because I’m pretty sure that’s not really that guy’s name and I don’t know what he won a medal for and couldn’t pick him out of a line up, but the other two cats are bad as hell.<

This year none of those guys won anything. Just 730 days until the Summer Games, America!

You can read more from the 2006 games here.

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