Winter Games 2014: So Long Fucked Up Eyeball, Hello Flying Tomato


Bob Costas is going to be taking at least one night off and letting Matt Lauer fill in, which might lead to an end of all these “Bob Costas fucked up eyeball” google hits I keep racking up. That keyword search was about to eclipse “Raymond Taylor Wheel Of Fortune.


Tonight (or it probably already happened, but whatever), Shaun White takes on the half pipe that he has grown to fear and dread. Can he return to being the Champion Of Sweet Jumps? Here’s how I thought of the guy back in 2006:

I was at Kroger yesterday and they had red fur lined handcuffs, like the kind you buy at fetish shops (I usually just use a belt I have with many gromets, as it seems more spontaneous that way) aimed at children and with a Valentine’s Day theme. Marked “For Ages 3 and Up.” Who are these saucy 3 year old handcuffing each other? Should we be encouraging them? I’m kinda on the fence about it.

Out of this world gone mad, Shaun White arises as a Champion. A Champion of Sweet Jumps.

At first, I didn’t like this kid. He looks like a doofus. Very Carrot Top. I once saw Carrot Top on the street in Atlanta, a city full of stray dogs, bums, Church’s Chickens, and stop signs in odd places. I almost said “Hello, Carrot Top.” Then I remembered, I can’t STAND Carrot Top.

I have red hair, too. It’s a problem for me when redheads in the public eye are coming off like shitnecks. I’m hard on redheaded dudes in the public eye because they reflect on me. When Conan goes too far into self deprecation, I feel his defeat. When David Caruso tried to go from TV to movies too early in his career, his fall hurt me, too. Even though I thought “Kiss of Death” was a cool movie, that’s beside the point.

When Shaun White almost failed to qualify to even compete in the half pipe final-a-go-go, it was his interview that won me over. He kept turning his head away from the camera and saying stuff like “Aw, man! I’m tripping out! That sucked! I almost blew it!” What kind of athelete talks like that? A fucking cool one.

So then my red head brother just walked up in the air and won that gold, and he shrugged and said something that ruled:

“I knew I could get it, I just wanted it.”

That shit is BRILLIANT. There’s any number of things you know you can get, but do you want them? That’s the question. Then he went and talked to Bob Costas about how he could use the medal to get chicks. “I’m hoping Sasha Cohen digs Gold Medals, it’ll be like Hey baby, what’s up? Yeah, I just got this.” I love it! This is the face of the American Athelete in 2006! Apollo Kahn Ono has stupid hair and fell his ass down during Roller Ice Derby. Michelle Kwan blew out her cooter and she’s an old washed up hag loser, anyway.

Ahem. Well, I wouldn’t be talking to the internet about anybody’s “blown out cooter” in 2014, but I’m also not going to front on it. I was a different guy then, and so was Shaun White.





Can he still bring it? Well, I’ll tell you one thing- if you don’t want to know yet, don’t Google “Shaun White” for any reason right now.