Winter Games 2014: Who Will Be The Gay Jesse Owens?

No Olympics for me tonight, and I’ll even miss Steranko’s TNT and True Detective, my new favorite show even in spite of this hilarious tumblr page about it. No, it’s the 50th anniversary of The Beatles making the US scene, and I’ll be joining my friend Rock Drummer Dave of The Big Rock Show for his annual viewing of the full Ed Sullivan Show appearance. He loaned out his DVD of it and doesn’t remember to who, so we have to track it down in the icy terrain of Louisville (colder than Sochi right now) in a 4 wheel drive jeep after I finish this gallon of chocolate milk that expired yesterday. That’s the challenges of my day today.

Let’s compare that to Norway’s Ole Einar Bjoerndalen.


He’s 40 years old and has 12 medals.  The world’s most highly regarded biathlon competitor. In case you’re foggy on what that is, a biathlon is the one where the participants ski for long distances and then shoot rifles, in both a standing and prone position. Norway excels in this area because the biathlon is just called “basic training” for their military over there. So while you (OK, we) watch hours and hours of ice dancing, hoping nobody falls down (OK, I hope they do fall down sometimes), the most hardcore sport already happened, it’s over, it wasn’t televised, and the medal went to a middle aged man who has already won it a bunch of times. Front on that. He even has a statue and is living proof that although Russia is intolerant of bisexuals, they at least are tolerant of biathletes, so maybe that’s a start.


Speaking of which, if you’re like me and looking to pull for a Gay Jesse Owens type for this pivotal year, here are your options:

Hubertus von Hohenlohe of Mexico 


Anastasia Bucsis of Canada


Belle Brockhoff of Australia


Ireen Wüst of the Neitherlands


Sanne van Kerkhof, also of the Neitherlands


Cheryl Maas, Neitherlands Again


Barbara Jezeršek of Slovenia


I don’t know where your head is at, but if you’re pulling against Prince Hubertus, I don’t know what I can tell you. Especially if you’ve heard Higher Than Mars.


Bob Costas’ left eyeball is going to grow so infected and bulbous that he will be required to cover it, but with no eye patch handy, he will be forced to cop the look popularized by Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes using a condom given to him by Shaun White.