Winter Games 2014: Meet Your New Stoner Snowboarder

First thing’s first, if you’re watching at home, notice that Bob Costas’ fucked up eyeball gets worse each night, and he’s more and more pissed off about it.  He tries to make it out that he doesn’t like wearing glasses because they’re for losers or something, but the real deal is that it looks like he’s got a meatball lodged in his skull and Russian doctors probably aren’t sweating it.


First gold medal of these Olympics goes to America’s own Jeff Spicolli Sage Kotsenburg. A young man who before winning gold in slope boarding (like wake boarding on snow, brah, it’s sick) was most notable for using the word “stoked” 15 times during his introductory press conference.  If you were looking for him during the opening ceremonies, you would’ve missed him- he stuck to the hotel room:

“I was eating mad snacks,” he said. “Chocolate. Onion rings. Chips. We were chilling really hard. Then we fell asleep watching Fight Club. Getting stoked, you know?”

I can dig it, bro. He won the top medal with a move he called a “1620 Japan” followed by a “Holy Crail,” and I feel like I’m 87 years old trying to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. “My mentality isn’t about training or going to the gym,” he said. “I really just like riding and expressing myself through snowboarding. My riding is just kind of crazy and eccentric and out there.”

Sage Spicolli

This dude is just what we need, since Shaun White is settling so comfortably into manhood and out of dudehood in his very age appropriate haircut and sharp suits. Let’s see if Sage grows up to be anything like Sean Penn has turned out.


Which of these things did Sage actually say:

A “If it’s crescent, and it’s also fresh, you know, it’s crescent fresh.”

B “We’re riding a piece of wood with plastic on it down a hill hitting rails and jumps. It’s like the randomnest idea ever.”

C “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have just one big hair instead of, like, millions?”